Honor Where You’re At

Honor Where You’re At

I felt like shit about myself earlier. Questioning my appearance. Pissed that I lost 2 inches in my thighs and 1.5 in my hips. I felt gross and annoyed and just ugh.

Pushed to go to the gym anyway. Sort of in a fog the entire time but intentionally focusing on the detail of every move I made, every set, every muscle engagement. That’s what pushed me through and the whole time I kept feeling like I wasn’t doing enough.

Like what in the actual fuck is that? I just did the same workout I did on leg day for 2 years to build that size to begin with. That’s a savage workout. Continue reading “Honor Where You’re At”

8 Years Ago

8 Years Ago

This weekend marks 8 years since I finally walked away (Originally written May 25).

Man, sometimes it feels like 15 and other times it feels like it was an entirely different lifetime altogether.

For years I would never admit this part to anyone that wasn’t actually present for the mess that was my life at the moment but I originally left in December. It wasn’t until the end of May that I was finally, finally, really really really left. Like left left. Never turned back. Never had another conversation. And the really interesting part is, I literally have no seen his face or heard his voice since that day.

It’s interesting because for more than half of these past 8 years, we lived ridiculously close to one another. Still in the same town, hell..almost on the same damn street and never once did I run into him or see him somewhere.

If that’s not the universe having my back, I don’t know what is. Continue reading “8 Years Ago”

Leave It There

Leave It There

Leave it there.
Those pieces that are breaking off.
Those things that are no longer serving you.

Maybe it’s a belief. Maybe it’s a habit. Maybe it’s a story. Maybe it’s a person. Maybe it’s a place. Maybe it’s a pattern. Maybe it’s as small as choosing silence over a response. Continue reading “Leave It There”

Asking For Help

Asking For Help

I’ve never been really good at asking for help. Even when I’m paying a Coach, it’s not been unheard of for them to have to remind me to reach out when I need an ear.

Sometimes I’m really great at it and sometimes I’m not. It’s something I have to remind myself that it’s okay to do. Because you see, at a young age when I found myself in certain situations I just started handling them myself, keeping it all inside, and manning up like a good little soldier but as I’ve grown and expanded I’ve learned that is not at all how I want to operate. It doesn’t allow me to have the life, freedom, and feelings that I want.

So, I started actively working on that a few years ago and in the process I built up a pretty cool circle of support, people outside of my normal “friends circle”. People who know more than me or had more experience, different experiences or expertise, people who could offer me a non judgmental ear and someone to share triumphs, weaknesses, and all of the in-betweens with. But over the last few months I slowly started to revert back, back to not asking, not confiding in my inner circle and instead I was handling it all in my own head, in my own journal, and unfortunately projecting a lot of it at my partner because well, he was only my support system here. Continue reading “Asking For Help”

Anxiety

Anxiety

Happiness is a choice.

I say that a lot and people who battle depression and/or anxiety tell me I’m wrong. That the choice of happiness is out of their control. Being someone who deals with anxiety, I understand how much more difficult it is to flip your mindset when these emotions try to take over.

And sometimes it wins. Sometimes you can’t shut it up in time and you go into a spiral of doubt and guilt and questioning everything. Even if you logically know none of what your emotions are telling you is at all truth, it’s still very present and grows almost at a rapid rate.
Continue reading “Anxiety”

True Freedom

True Freedom

Be willing to do the inner work, the deep healing work.

I mean looking under every rock, under every excuse you’ve ever made, under every lie you’ve ever told, under every pattern you’ve ever repeated, on every ounce of self-doubt or fear or negative thought you have about yourself. It means looking under every moment that sticks out to you at all.

It’s listening to your inner voice while being self-aware enough to recognize when your subconscious is trying to battle you with intentions that no longer serve you and then being willing to shine a flashlight into the darkness and uncover why.

It’s not pretty. Continue reading “True Freedom”

Don’t Pretend

Don’t Pretend

You can be sexy AND smart AND interesting AND sought after without being a chameleon.

I watch so many women mold to what they “think” a guy wants them to be and it kills me that people think this is the way to find happiness.

Ladies— I hate to break it to you but you can’t keep up the charade forever. Eventually, you’ll start being who you really are under the mask and pretend hobbies and fake interests and then your man will look at you like “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?”
Continue reading “Don’t Pretend”