Battling Depression

Battling Depression

*Originally posted September 30th, 2019

My beautiful friend Samantha called me yesterday morning while I was in the middle of a battle with my depression, I wanted to crawl back into bed and hide from the world. I was talking myself through every step.

I ate breakfast and took care of Bonnie. Win.

I showered. Win.

Sat there for like 20 minutes in a towel contemplating getting back under the covers.

Got up and dried my hair instead. Win.

Then I started pacing… I was so mad that I was in this fog. Annoyed to have to deal with it.
Feeling defeated at the thought of having to pull myself out of it… AGAIN. Debating going backwards on some relationship behaviors I’ve been working months to overcome because, well it felt like a quick fix.

Then Samantha called.

I had called her a few hours ago as I felt this all weighing down on me and left a message “it’s heavy today, call me when you can”.

A message that was hard to send but I’ve learned to reach out when I’m drowning. I don’t always listen to that advice but today I did.
Luckily had yet to put my makeup on because I answered the phone feeling okay but the moment she asked what was going on? Queue tears. Continue reading “Battling Depression”

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Solid Foundation

Solid Foundation
This is why you create a solid foundation.
At least it’s a visual reminder as to why.You create a solid foundation so that when life happens and you fall off the track for a bit, everything doesn’t go to shit.

Real talk, my life took a super unexpected and interesting turn over the past 9 months… or year really. I started diving in, DEEP. Unearthing things that I had buried and didn’t acknowledge for years. I cleared so many things mentally and physically it’s almost impossible to even explain. And then I fell in love, listened to a message bigger than me and uprooted my life, moved 600 miles away, created a life there, learned, grew, tried my best, played out some karmic soul contract related shit, learned so many lessons about who I am and how fucking strong I actually am as a human, moved back, and have been hard at work rebuilding every thing I ever knew. Every social contract. Every obligation. Every deeply rooted behavior. Every automatic response. Every way of processing emotions. Every way of existing.
I have spent the past 6 months learning new and healthier ways to navigate every single area of my world. Continue reading “Solid Foundation”

I Don’t Know About You

I Don’t Know About You

I don’t know about you, but I am no longer in the business of talking people into loving me.

I quit that a long time ago.

I am also no longer in the business of expecting people to love the way I love, respect the way I respect, and honor their word the way I honor mine… this one has been harder to learn but still a “line in the concrete” type of staple these days.

Sometimes though, with some people those old habits still pop up, catch me off guard, and when it does it’s never a rewarding experience for anyone involved. It leads to questioning your own worth, resentment, distrust, and hurt feelings.

So this is my message to whomever needs to hear it tonight, stop pushing people to be a part of your life and stop pushing for an answer or a response on your own timeline.

Be open.
Be compassionate.
Have integrity.
Follow your intuition.
Love with all you have.
But certainly don’t beg people to see it, love it, honor it, or choose it. That’s on them, not you.

Universal Energy

Universal Energy

Sometimes, I don’t think I can take one more battle. Not one more blow. Not one more explosion.

I stand there in the aftermath of what can only be described as the comet of universal energy doing what is necessary to take me to the other side of everything, to the pure place I’m meant to reside.

And I stand there with the muffled sound of attacks playing in my ears yet again, pure shock of it all. Dissecting why this was brought to my table in the first place. Feeling a bit numb, yet at the same time… feeling every single feeling in the book.

Sometimes I Am Sad

Sometimes I Am Sad

Truth is, sometimes I can have the best day ever and still be sad at the end of it all.

Now before you jump to conclusions or start to type out something trying to “make me feel better”, keep reading because that is not at all my point here.

I’m happy. Like genuinely happy. I love what I do. I enjoy my work. I have an awesome family. Good friends. A beautiful home. Sweet puppies… and the list goes on. Continue reading “Sometimes I Am Sad”

Transformation

Transformation

3 weeks after investing, she made more than enough to cover the cost of my coaching.

She was a single mom, running her own business, going through a very difficult divorce, and she had this massive idea. This idea she couldn’t ignore anymore. It was almost Christmas and “extra” money wasn’t a thing in her world any time, let alone around the holidays. But she made a leap on the gut feeling that she needed to work with me.

I will never forget our first call. It was so vulnerable. She cried, a lot. She ripped herself wide open about where she was at, where she had been, and what she was so scared to move forward with. And I remember sinking back into my chair thinking, “Holy shit, this girl is going to alter her entire universe with this work.”

The world was waiting for her to put this out there. Her people were waiting for her to put this out there. Her soul was longing to put this out there. So why hadn’t she? Continue reading “Transformation”

Celebration List

Celebration List

Lately I spend more time writing about the facts than anything else.

In my journal, that is. I’m writing a “celebration” list of all I’ve accomplished for the day. Documenting facts in order to combat the voice in my head that has always done a good job of convincing me that I’m not doing enough.

I’m writing ‘Dear Diary’ style letters to myself giving me permission to just BE. Permission to actually see that without massive to-do lists or lofty goals, I’m still doing So Much Every Day. Permission to follow the flow. Permission to operate differently than what once was my go to way of living. Continue reading “Celebration List”