“I am grateful for the courage to fully feel my feelings and to keep being vulnerable through it all.”
I was writing this morning and that came up.
For most of my life I never let myself be vulnerable. I never truly felt my feelings. I hid them in a busy schedule or new project. I pushed them down because God forbid I be “emotional”, the guys best friend girl isn’t emotional, don’t you know that?
I was always told how strong I was. People would always compliment me on my ability to stay strong, move forward, heal after being knocked down in some really ugly ways over the years. So that’s what I became, strong. I became the strong one. The one who didn’t let things get to her. The one who always had everything under control. The one who smiled anyway. Continue reading “Grateful”
You are not an island.
Feeling that way is a choice. A choice that is ultimately yours to make but in the grand scheme of things isn’t going to get you anywhere… besides digging yourself deeper into your own hole.
Open your eyes, I bet there is someone standing nearby who genuinely cares in an unbiased way. Let them see you. Let them come stand next to you. They aren’t there to save you. They aren’t there to judge or have any personal agenda at all actually. In fact, they are probably the one who is not saying much at all right now, just standing there holding space even when you can can’t understand how or why they would even still be there in the first place. Continue reading “You Are Not An Island”
First picture, I’m standing at 128 lbs and feeling excellent. I hadn’t been lifting consistency but my nutrition was pretty solid.
Second picture, I’m down 11 lbs… Most of which was probably muscle but that’s just an assumption.
This loss was not on purpose. Not even a little bit! It followed a month long battle with a cold, then influenza mixed with a bunch a stress that ended me up in a pretty ugly bout with my hypoglycemia. I haven’t had an episode that bad in over a year. It took days to recover. I could barely move, let alone stand. It took everything I had to drink water or 3 bites of oatmeal. It was terrible.
I felt lifeless. I was scared. I remember waking up my boyfriend telling him it was worse than I thought and I was scared to go to the hospital. We decided I’d get strict and try to fight it, even if that meant him reminding me to drink pedialyte every hour because it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Do you know what being in that kind of physical state does to your mental state? It makes you think you’re the worst person in the world. It convinces you that you’re a burden on those who love you. It convinces you that it’s all your fault and if you weren’t such a terrible person then you wouldn’t have let your body get to this state in the first place. It makes you feel ashamed for something you truly can’t control. you find yourself apologizing for asking for help even though you really need it. Continue reading “Down 11 Pounds”