I Don’t Know About You

I Don’t Know About You

I don’t know about you, but I am no longer in the business of talking people into loving me.

I quit that a long time ago.

I am also no longer in the business of expecting people to love the way I love, respect the way I respect, and honor their word the way I honor mine… this one has been harder to learn but still a “line in the concrete” type of staple these days.

Sometimes though, with some people those old habits still pop up, catch me off guard, and when it does it’s never a rewarding experience for anyone involved. It leads to questioning your own worth, resentment, distrust, and hurt feelings.

So this is my message to whomever needs to hear it tonight, stop pushing people to be a part of your life and stop pushing for an answer or a response on your own timeline.

Be open.
Be compassionate.
Have integrity.
Follow your intuition.
Love with all you have.
But certainly don’t beg people to see it, love it, honor it, or choose it. That’s on them, not you.

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Grateful

Grateful

“I am grateful for the courage to fully feel my feelings and to keep being vulnerable through it all.”

I was writing this morning and that came up.

For most of my life I never let myself be vulnerable. I never truly felt my feelings. I hid them in a busy schedule or new project. I pushed them down because God forbid I be “emotional”, the guys best friend girl isn’t emotional, don’t you know that?

I was always told how strong I was. People would always compliment me on my ability to stay strong, move forward, heal after being knocked down in some really ugly ways over the years. So that’s what I became, strong. I became the strong one. The one who didn’t let things get to her. The one who always had everything under control. The one who smiled anyway. Continue reading “Grateful”

What Do You Do For Fun?

What Do You Do For Fun?

“What do you do for fun?”
To be honest, that question always throws me. I know it’s one of the go-to’s when people are trying to get to know someone or reconnecting with a lost friend or acquaintance but it’s a question that I tend to normally cringe at. Maybe it’s the dreaded small talk, but maybe it’s not.

I found myself faced with this question recently in an innocent conversation while reconnecting with someone and I thought to myself, “Wait, what DO I do for fun?”

“Do I even have fun?”

As I continued to question myself I thought, “Oh shit… Maybe I don’t actually have fun. What am I doing with myself? Damn, am I this boring person who does nothing?” Continue reading “What Do You Do For Fun?”

Celebration List

Celebration List

Lately I spend more time writing about the facts than anything else.

In my journal, that is. I’m writing a “celebration” list of all I’ve accomplished for the day. Documenting facts in order to combat the voice in my head that has always done a good job of convincing me that I’m not doing enough.

I’m writing ‘Dear Diary’ style letters to myself giving me permission to just BE. Permission to actually see that without massive to-do lists or lofty goals, I’m still doing So Much Every Day. Permission to follow the flow. Permission to operate differently than what once was my go to way of living. Continue reading “Celebration List”

My New Place

My New Place

When I first moved into my new place I was sitting on the floor on pillows where my couch was supposed to be, looking around my living room at the small amount of furniture I had and I started to envision what I wanted this room to be for me.

I visualized this desk. This simple desk carefully placed under this big window. This desk is where I would write all of my stories. This chapter was about to be the best one yet and this space would be the perfect setting for it to all unfold. Continue reading “My New Place”

I am Happy

I am happy.

In a totally different way than ever before.

For very different reasons.

In some of the same beautiful ways but more so, in brand new, exciting, mindshattering ways.

And apparently THIS (pictured below) is the face of that happiness. It’s what expression I have instantly made in every photo for quite a while now. When I try to smile with my teeth, which is the norm for me and it looks forced and weird and inauthentic right now. I’m not sure how to explain it but that is obviously not the expression of the type of happiness I’m experiencing right now and I am totally okay with that!

This expression is one of exploration. It is one of adventure. It is one of learning. It is one of deeply experiencing something fucking beautiful with zero idea of how to really put said experiences into words just yet.

This expression is perfect for this phase 

Time…

Time…

Time is something I’ve made a living out of “creating” more of. Or actually just showing people how changing their mindset and purpose behind things can seemingly create more time in their worlds for the things that they actually want to do. It’s almost like bending reality, but it’s really just a matter of changing the foundation of how you’re operating first.

But here’s the thing… Me and time, we’ve not ever really been friends…until recently. And still now I’m just warming up to the thought of it. More like I’m just accepting the fact that I cannot control it and it is a necessary piece of how all things happen or play out in our worlds. Basically, I used to almost throw a mini temper tantrum in my mind when time wasn’t on my side and demand information now, demand to see the end of the book now, and if I couldn’t (which was always the case) I would get really stubborn and apply pressure until I “thought” I was getting something to happen. You see, this didn’t always turn out badly but it was also using a lot of energy that I didn’t realize at the time was truly meant for bigger and better things. And since I’ve realized that you should measure your energy the same so you do your time, or at least take both into consideration. Continue reading “Time…”