Battling Depression

Battling Depression

*Originally posted September 30th, 2019

My beautiful friend Samantha called me yesterday morning while I was in the middle of a battle with my depression, I wanted to crawl back into bed and hide from the world. I was talking myself through every step.

I ate breakfast and took care of Bonnie. Win.

I showered. Win.

Sat there for like 20 minutes in a towel contemplating getting back under the covers.

Got up and dried my hair instead. Win.

Then I started pacing… I was so mad that I was in this fog. Annoyed to have to deal with it.
Feeling defeated at the thought of having to pull myself out of it… AGAIN. Debating going backwards on some relationship behaviors I’ve been working months to overcome because, well it felt like a quick fix.

Then Samantha called.

I had called her a few hours ago as I felt this all weighing down on me and left a message “it’s heavy today, call me when you can”.

A message that was hard to send but I’ve learned to reach out when I’m drowning. I don’t always listen to that advice but today I did.
Luckily had yet to put my makeup on because I answered the phone feeling okay but the moment she asked what was going on? Queue tears. Continue reading “Battling Depression”

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Jeepiversary

Jeepiversary

*Originally posted September 21st, 2019

6 years ago I walked into the dealership and did whatever it took to get this Jeep.

I grew up in a car family. It was a joke on our street about how it seemed like one of us was outside washing a vehicle every day. My Dad takes extremely pristine care of his vehicles and instilled that onto me and my brother. But the other thing he taught us by example was to LOVE what you drive.

Six years ago I was driving a brand new Dodge Avenger. It was a nice car. Sporty, good gas mileage, all the bells and whistles but I didn’t “love” it. Truth is, I missed bouncing around town with some over-sized tires and that was actually FUN to drive. Continue reading “Jeepiversary”

Support System

Support System

The other day I was sitting in the salon chair recapping some current events from my world with my friend and hair stylist when I realized that I had just referenced my therapist and my psychiatrist within a few short breaths of each other. When realizing that, I stopped and jokingly said “Damn, don’t I sound like a mess? It takes a team to keep my head right!” To which she replied “Nope! Sounds smart to me. It’s your job to keep a whole list full of people’s heads and business’s right, only makes sense that you have your own team for yours.”

That comment has been ringing in my head ever since. First off, she was right. And she knows me pretty damn well. We’ve been friends since high school but over the past 4 years she’s been the brains behind this mermaid hair which means she gets the joy of spending 4+ hours with me every few months to install a new set of extensions… so it’s safe to say, she knows all of the things. I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone more understanding or less judgmental in my life and I’m super grateful for that relationship.

Back to my point, I have assembled quite the team of professionals to keep me sane and functioning at a high capacity. Sure, I’m the one spending the money, dedicating the time, and doing the work, but they are there to help me navigate everything in the healthiest way possible. Continue reading “Support System”

Caught Up

Caught Up

Sometimes I get so caught up in client phone calls and mindset work that I forget how much I actually like the other stuff too. Like writing strategies and plans for start ups or marketing content plans for clients who are looking to build community.

Or creating programs that I’m so freaking passionate about I don’t even have to think about it, they just flow from my finger tips.

I must admit, it’s been a while since I’ve had a day like today. A day filled with light and more creativity than I knew what to do with. Where I ate all the meals, drank all the water, did all of the things on the lists, meditated 3x, ate lunch at my dining room table disconnected, walked Bonnie a ton, stretched like 5x, worked out, showered, had exceptional conversations, and my bedtime routine was as on point as my morning. Continue reading “Caught Up”

I Don’t Know About You

I Don’t Know About You

I don’t know about you, but I am no longer in the business of talking people into loving me.

I quit that a long time ago.

I am also no longer in the business of expecting people to love the way I love, respect the way I respect, and honor their word the way I honor mine… this one has been harder to learn but still a “line in the concrete” type of staple these days.

Sometimes though, with some people those old habits still pop up, catch me off guard, and when it does it’s never a rewarding experience for anyone involved. It leads to questioning your own worth, resentment, distrust, and hurt feelings.

So this is my message to whomever needs to hear it tonight, stop pushing people to be a part of your life and stop pushing for an answer or a response on your own timeline.

Be open.
Be compassionate.
Have integrity.
Follow your intuition.
Love with all you have.
But certainly don’t beg people to see it, love it, honor it, or choose it. That’s on them, not you.

Honor Where You’re At

Honor Where You’re At

I felt like shit about myself earlier. Questioning my appearance. Pissed that I lost 2 inches in my thighs and 1.5 in my hips. I felt gross and annoyed and just ugh.

Pushed to go to the gym anyway. Sort of in a fog the entire time but intentionally focusing on the detail of every move I made, every set, every muscle engagement. That’s what pushed me through and the whole time I kept feeling like I wasn’t doing enough.

Like what in the actual fuck is that? I just did the same workout I did on leg day for 2 years to build that size to begin with. That’s a savage workout. Continue reading “Honor Where You’re At”

Leave It There

Leave It There

Leave it there.
Those pieces that are breaking off.
Those things that are no longer serving you.

Maybe it’s a belief. Maybe it’s a habit. Maybe it’s a story. Maybe it’s a person. Maybe it’s a place. Maybe it’s a pattern. Maybe it’s as small as choosing silence over a response. Continue reading “Leave It There”