My Skin

My Skin

My skin. What I at one time proclaimed to be my worst enemy is now something I’m really working on loving.

It sounds like something easy to do, a switch you can flip but it’s proven to be a lot more challenging than I expected.

You see, I realized that I was being incredibly unfair to myself. The voice in my head had a very strong opinion that there was some thing wrong with my skin and it had to be fixed.

Now this comes from 10+ years of painful, embarrassing, predominate acne on most of my face. Something no one could figure out, and given the other healthy issues I’ve had most of my life having people tell me they can’t figure something out that was wrong has always been a part of my existence. A part that as a result of being “hopeless” caused me to create many walls, many beliefs, and many hidden insecurities.

At the last full moon I set the intention to love my body differently. To experience what was happening within me differently. To add a level of ACCEPTANCE where there was none.

The deeper I went into this the more twisted I realized it was. Things like not enjoying swimming, or avoiding sweating, or not wanting to travel with others all stemmed from the need to not be seen without makeup. Talk about a mind blow. Dude, SWIMMING. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy being cold and wet in any instance but the truth is, I don’t swim because of insecurities. Hair being wet. Makeup running off. Bare. Exposed. Talk about major fear.

Nope. I would dip into the lake. I would dip into the pool but it’s a rarity that you see me jump off the side of the boat or the end of the dock into the water. I never realized until recently that a large part of that had been because of the condition of my skin.

I’ve been diligent with skin care for 7 years. I can count on one hand the number of times that I went without washing my face at the end of the day and if it did happen it was because someone knew was around that I’d rather have a new breakout than risk them seeing my acne without anything over it. See the bags under my eyes without concealer on. Nope, not an option.

I wouldn’t answer the door for a delivery person or run out to my car without makeup for fear that someone might actually force me to have a conversation with them bare faced.

Seriously, twisted right?

The thing is, I’m not the only one who has feelings like this. So many people have these same insecurities. They stem from a lot of things like acne or unrealistic expectations of what we think is “normal” for your skin to look like. Expectations that are set from watching movies, seeing models, etc. Things that were ingrained in me long before Instagram was a thing.

I remember a time a few years ago that Kim Kardashian posted a photo of herself without makeup on on her Snapchat story. I took a screenshot because I was so happy to see that she has darker circles and imperfections. I still have that photo in my phone.

Recently, I was having a conversation about this situation with my skin and how I’m working on it and I realized that I was still not seeing it clearly. I was still thinking that I was on this journey to FIX it. That I just needed to be patient and stay consistent with my routine and there was light at the end of the tunnel. I was planning for monthly professional facials and treatments to improve my skin. And while there is NOTHING wrong with that, I am all about reverse aging and investing in that. BUT the thought that I had to FIX something, like something was WRONG with me? That was the problem.

So, I’ve been working specifically on accepting my body, all of the things that make it unique. All of the things that maybe do make it a little challenging, not focusing on the negative side of that but instead accepting that I am this way and how I can work WITH my experience versus against it.

Last night I went to bed with inflamed red bumps all over my chin from this new thing my skin has been doing and felt super annoyed… nothing short of how I’ve spent a lot of years looking at myself in the mirror. Instead I flipped it, I put the treatment on it that it needed and chose to nurture myself instead of beating myself up.

This morning I woke up and actually enjoyed my complexion for the first time I can actually recall… ever.

I responded to a video message from a girlfriend of mine and thought, now is the time Jamie. Share this.

So I recorded a short video about my relationship with my face and posted it. I was scared to death. I still am not feeling super comfortable about it be honest. BUT it is a massive step. Because the truth is, I have made huge progress in healing my skin not only from acne but discolorations, dark circles, and what felt like endless cycles of scaring. I’ve been so diligent and I’m proud of that.

So, here it is. I wish I would have taken some photos of my acne when it was at it’s worst but here are the ones I do have. Here is a little glimpse of a piece of me I’ve never share with you. And here is a LARGE step in my own growth, in my own acceptance and in my own shining.

Hearing the people who love you and admire you tell you that you great without makeup really doesn’t mean anything at all until YOU believe that. Until you can look in the mirror and like what is looking back at you. That’s an inside job.

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If you’re interested in the process I’ve taken to heal my skin, keep reading;
Just like everything else, consistency is key. But using too many different products is not the key. I tried everything. I went all natural with oils and honey and home made cleansers, it help a little for a while. I tried spa grade products from Sephora, I stuck with it when my skin was purging more and the dryness kicked in and then still after months and months of that no progress. I used Rodan & Fields for a little over a year, switched from one of their lines to another. My skin would yo-yo, it would get angry and feel burned and ultimately felt trashed. So, I went to my plastic surgeon’s office, they have a medspa there. I got a micro-dermabrasian and consultation. I bought one cleanser, one moisturizer, one eye cream. I started seeing results and was happy! Then wanted to go more natural… started to do that and went back into full blown inflammation, cystic acne mode. I learned that my skin does NOT enjoy anything that contains botanicals so I went back to my medspa regimen and that’s where I’ve stayed for close to two years now. I have gotten hydro facials monthly for the past 6 months that I can’t really say clearly if they’ve helped or not because my skin tends to cycle weird when I get one. I’m still documenting the data I collect from my own experience and will keep perfecting this as I do. And that is what I advise anyone to do. We’re all different. We all have different experiences with different things. I’m not saying there is anything all bad about any of the methods I’ve tried, they just weren’t the right fit for me personally. I’ve tested SO MANY things from products, to how many times to wash per day, to ways to dry and I have serious data on what has made things better and what has made things worse. So here are some details from my experience if you’re interested:
-Drink lots of water. I can tell a visible difference when I’m dehydrated.
-Wash your face every night. Get every bit of makeup and dirt gone.
-Pat your face to dry, don’t rub.
-Change your pillow cases at least once a week.
-In the morning, rinse your face. Unless it’s feeling really oily, don’t wash. If it’s oily, wash with a very teeny amount of cleanser.
-Exfoliate using a facial cloth at least once a week, with your same cleanser on it.
-Use one face wash. I use ZO Skin Health- Hydrating Gentle Cleanser
-Use one moisturizer. I use Alastin Skincare’s Ultra Nourishing Moisturizer
-Find an eye cream! I use Alastin’s Restorative Eye treatment every morning and Coloresense Total Eye Concentrate at night. If my skin is very dry, I’ll apply the restorative over the concentrate
-Refissa Tretinoin Cream is a prescription I get from my med spa that I use to treat my acne. I apply every other night before moisturizer
-In dry months I use bareMinerals Butter Drench Restorative Rich Cream at night. It does not clog my pores or cause breakouts. The ingredients are super clean. It just helps when i need extra moisture.
-Limiting the number of products I was using has been the BIGGEST game changer for me. Sticking with these few things only has been key. And I just added the rich cream at night these past 3 months during winter. I have now introduced a Hyaluronic Acid Serum and Vitamin C serum in the mornings and it’s improving the skin tone even more.
-SCARRING. I’m not using it anymore because thankfully I have healed my scarring at this point but I did it with pure, top grade Frankincense oil. I applied it after washing, before moisturizing twice a day. Most of the time the depth of the scars I had require medical grade treatments to get rid of and my boy Frank stepped in and worked some miracles.
There is my large book of data about my skin and what it needs and responds to put into the smallest nutshell I can possibly fit it in.
If you’re in this struggle, don’t quit trying to find out what works for you. You’ll get there. I never thought I would and honestly, I’m a little scared to even be writing any of this for fear of jinxing myself.
That’s just based off a very deeply rooted fear though… I’m working on it. All a work in progress.

Intoxicating Energy

Intoxicating Energy

My friend Samantha has been trying to tell me for a while now that I’m glowing, that my energy is intoxicating, and I just thought she was being sweet. I mean, I know she loves me so she has to say that, right?

Well, a few weeks ago I started hearing similar things from all kinds of different directions. From strangers, clients, acquaintances. And to be super honest, interactions that in the past may have taken more energy or I’d have to pre-protect myself from got lighter, less draining, and all around more positive.

On the cruise there were a few instances where strangers were so kind and genuine with me out of nowhere and for no reason at all that I had to revisit this comment that Sam had made. Continue reading “Intoxicating Energy”

Overcoming Fear

Overcoming Fear

I was reading an article this morning about fear… and honestly, fear is something I spend a lot of time paying attention to when it pops up because it has so much to tell us if we’re willing to listen.

So, this morning I decided to extend my morning practice into some meditation coloring. As I was filling in the swirls of the mandala, I let my thoughts flow freely. And after about 10 minutes of that I started to ask myself “What are you so scared of?”

Because I’ve been feeling the presence of fear lately, but it hasn’t been clear as to why or what it was that I’m scared of in my current situation. Continue reading “Overcoming Fear”

Labyrinth

Labyrinth

Today I walked a Labyrinth.

Before today I didn’t even know what that meant. Or what it was.

But I can tell you that I was divinely guided to find this space on this day.

Here’s why; I’ve been having quite the rollercoaster ride lately. Lots of realizations, changes, shifts, and all the feelings. But I guess that the deeper you go, the more you dig, the more “woke” you get, sometimes that’s just a normal part of your day to day.

So, this morning I just felt uneasy, for no real reason why. I did my normal routine, got grounded, pulled cards, made the bed, sat with Bonnie, journaled with my coffee, read my book, listened to my drums, but still couldn’t kick it.

Somewhere around 11am I stopped for a minute and realized that I could barely even remember any of the things I had done that day, without really stopping to think hard about it.

It was like I was in a trance.
Continue reading “Labyrinth”

Physical Change

Physical Change

I almost don’t recognize this girl sometimes.

I have intentionally put on 14 lbs of muscle in the past 2 years. Before that I was the “skinny girl”. Arms like tooth picks, super thin legs, even my shoulders/collar bone area looked completely different. Continue reading “Physical Change”

My Fitness Journey

My Fitness Journey

My 2018 starting point is a body I barely recognize most of the time. Something I never thought was possible for me.

Figuring what makes my body run at peak performance and allows me to FEEL good has been such an interesting discovery ride.

This past year I have discovered which foods maintain a stable blood sugar for me, I started eating a high fat macro based diet, fell in love with building my shoulders, back, and arms, and now squat 175lbs on a regular basis.

I’ve added over 2 inches of size on my thighs and glutes, and over 1 inch on my biceps. I’ve gained 8 lbs in muscle and am down to 19% body fat. Solid fucking growth for someone who always struggled to maintain 118 lbs for most of her life, if you ask me.

But have I been 100% on my diet and workouts? Nope.

I’d say I was about 75% on my diet and 90% on my training. Looking back at the past 365 days and seeing the progress I’ve made and the strength and mass I’ve created I can’t help but ask myself, “where would I be if I stayed 100% disciplined?” Well, we’re going to find out.

I’m not going to drop my goals here in a “new year” post for you, you’ll see my results as I keep putting in the work and turn up the heat on it all.

Stay tuned. It’s just getting better from here.

I also wanted to note that I share much more of my fitness journey over on my Instagram so follow me there if you want to see more regular updates.

P.s. My fitness journey started two years ago. I’ve been diligent about figuring out what works for me in diet and training for two years. That is 730 days of choosing every day to focus on this mission. Thats 730 of choosing this lifestyle. So before you say “oh, I couldn’t look like that” ask yourself how many days you’ve been consistently committed to it?

You CAN build the change, you just have to do the work every day.

Patterns

Patterns

Patterns. They’re a tricky thing…Something we do each time a certain situation presents itself in our lives. Something that is our “normal” reaction. But not like shivering when you’re cold kind of reaction, like drastic, sometimes life altering reactions that we make subconsciously to either shield ourselves from something or make us feel safe again.

Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of new things. Well, finding myself in positions I haven’t found myself in many years.

So currently when I’ve found myself standing in these sort of “uncharted territories”, I’ve taken this as an opportunity to look around and see what my natural reaction is (or what I would have done 10 years ago when I was in this spot) and then dissect WHY that is my reaction or where my subconscious naturally takes me. Continue reading “Patterns”