Security. For a lot of my life it was something I felt I desperately wanted someone else to provide but was always something I was left without every time.
So I shifted. I created patterns and habits to prevent myself from feeling that disappointment or fear. I built walls and towers to stay just far enough away that people didn’t get too close.
I would call before they had the chance to not choose me. I would make the date before anyone had to opportunity to forget or not make it a priority. I would “check in” to try and feel like I was helping but what I was really doing was fulfilling something within myself that needed to feel wanted. A desire that given the previously described habits, I never actually let anyone show up and fulfill for me in the first place. Continue reading “Security”