Universal Energy

Universal Energy

Sometimes, I don’t think I can take one more battle. Not one more blow. Not one more explosion.

I stand there in the aftermath of what can only be described as the comet of universal energy doing what is necessary to take me to the other side of everything, to the pure place I’m meant to reside.

And I stand there with the muffled sound of attacks playing in my ears yet again, pure shock of it all. Dissecting why this was brought to my table in the first place. Feeling a bit numb, yet at the same time… feeling every single feeling in the book.

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My First Business Trip

My First Business Trip

*Originally Published July 12, 2019

I took my first business trip when I was 20. I was working for a Risk Management company at the time and the team I was a part of worked for one of the nation’s largest waste management companies. The division I worked for hosted their yearly training in Las Vegas and I was able to go. All expenses paid. It was amazing.

Second time ever being on a plane, first time ever traveling alone. Looking back now I don’t remember having the awareness of how great of an opportunity that was. Continue reading “My First Business Trip”

What Do You Do For Fun?

What Do You Do For Fun?

“What do you do for fun?”
To be honest, that question always throws me. I know it’s one of the go-to’s when people are trying to get to know someone or reconnecting with a lost friend or acquaintance but it’s a question that I tend to normally cringe at. Maybe it’s the dreaded small talk, but maybe it’s not.

I found myself faced with this question recently in an innocent conversation while reconnecting with someone and I thought to myself, “Wait, what DO I do for fun?”

“Do I even have fun?”

As I continued to question myself I thought, “Oh shit… Maybe I don’t actually have fun. What am I doing with myself? Damn, am I this boring person who does nothing?” Continue reading “What Do You Do For Fun?”

Honoring every piece

Honoring every piece

Sometimes you have to be your own motivation.

In those moments when you find yourself slipping and it feels like you’ll never get fully back on track I’ve learned that nothing motivates me more than reminding myself where I’ve been and what I’m capable of.

This picture is from last summer. I had built more muscle than I knew was possible and honestly, I felt uncomfortable as fuck about it. I loved the body and curves I built but it was just unlike the shell I had lived in for most of my life so it seriously took some getting used to. Continue reading “Honoring every piece”

8 Years Ago

8 Years Ago

This weekend marks 8 years since I finally walked away (Originally written May 25).

Man, sometimes it feels like 15 and other times it feels like it was an entirely different lifetime altogether.

For years I would never admit this part to anyone that wasn’t actually present for the mess that was my life at the moment but I originally left in December. It wasn’t until the end of May that I was finally, finally, really really really left. Like left left. Never turned back. Never had another conversation. And the really interesting part is, I literally have no seen his face or heard his voice since that day.

It’s interesting because for more than half of these past 8 years, we lived ridiculously close to one another. Still in the same town, hell..almost on the same damn street and never once did I run into him or see him somewhere.

If that’s not the universe having my back, I don’t know what is. Continue reading “8 Years Ago”

Haunted

Haunted

Originally posted on May 23rd, 2019…

Lately, sometimes, it literally feels like I’m being haunted.

Haunted by the things that happened, haunted by the promises I believed, the future that I so clearly saw. Haunted by the person you once were, the person who surely no longer exists but at one time was the realest soul I’ve ever encountered in this lifetime. Continue reading “Haunted”

I am Happy

I am happy.

In a totally different way than ever before.

For very different reasons.

In some of the same beautiful ways but more so, in brand new, exciting, mindshattering ways.

And apparently THIS (pictured below) is the face of that happiness. It’s what expression I have instantly made in every photo for quite a while now. When I try to smile with my teeth, which is the norm for me and it looks forced and weird and inauthentic right now. I’m not sure how to explain it but that is obviously not the expression of the type of happiness I’m experiencing right now and I am totally okay with that!

This expression is one of exploration. It is one of adventure. It is one of learning. It is one of deeply experiencing something fucking beautiful with zero idea of how to really put said experiences into words just yet.

This expression is perfect for this phase