Workout Consistency

Workout Consistency

Truth is, I know the right way to stand to look the most flattering in a photo. I know the angles and what works best for my frame. So, when I started taking the daily progress photo for the #75Hard challenge it was a bit off-putting at first.

Like “whoa, that’s not now I look in photos.” Um, actually YES that IS what you look like in photos, without flexing or posing. I can’t wait to post before and afters when this is all said and done but for now, it’s day 7 and I’ve already started to see a difference. Continue reading “Workout Consistency”

75 Hard Challenge

75 Hard Challenge

I’ve contemplated doing this silently for a while. I’ve started it several times and barely made it a week without missing something on the list… but nobody knew so it was okay.

Bullshit.

I knew.

I knew that I missed a mark and started over day after day. At first, I was proud of myself for starting over and not beating myself up about it, but then I realized that was bullshit too. The fact is, I wasn’t committed. Which is I wasn’t following through. So I stopped re-starting but it’s still been on my mind. Like “when am I going to start again?” had been in the back of my thoughts ever since. Continue reading “75 Hard Challenge”

Battling Depression

Battling Depression

*Originally posted September 30th, 2019

My beautiful friend Samantha called me yesterday morning while I was in the middle of a battle with my depression, I wanted to crawl back into bed and hide from the world. I was talking myself through every step.

I ate breakfast and took care of Bonnie. Win.

I showered. Win.

Sat there for like 20 minutes in a towel contemplating getting back under the covers.

Got up and dried my hair instead. Win.

Then I started pacing… I was so mad that I was in this fog. Annoyed to have to deal with it.
Feeling defeated at the thought of having to pull myself out of it… AGAIN. Debating going backwards on some relationship behaviors I’ve been working months to overcome because, well it felt like a quick fix.

Then Samantha called.

I had called her a few hours ago as I felt this all weighing down on me and left a message “it’s heavy today, call me when you can”.

A message that was hard to send but I’ve learned to reach out when I’m drowning. I don’t always listen to that advice but today I did.
Luckily had yet to put my makeup on because I answered the phone feeling okay but the moment she asked what was going on? Queue tears. Continue reading “Battling Depression”

Support System

Support System

The other day I was sitting in the salon chair recapping some current events from my world with my friend and hair stylist when I realized that I had just referenced my therapist and my psychiatrist within a few short breaths of each other. When realizing that, I stopped and jokingly said “Damn, don’t I sound like a mess? It takes a team to keep my head right!” To which she replied “Nope! Sounds smart to me. It’s your job to keep a whole list full of people’s heads and business’s right, only makes sense that you have your own team for yours.”

That comment has been ringing in my head ever since. First off, she was right. And she knows me pretty damn well. We’ve been friends since high school but over the past 4 years she’s been the brains behind this mermaid hair which means she gets the joy of spending 4+ hours with me every few months to install a new set of extensions… so it’s safe to say, she knows all of the things. I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone more understanding or less judgmental in my life and I’m super grateful for that relationship.

Back to my point, I have assembled quite the team of professionals to keep me sane and functioning at a high capacity. Sure, I’m the one spending the money, dedicating the time, and doing the work, but they are there to help me navigate everything in the healthiest way possible. Continue reading “Support System”

Honoring every piece

Honoring every piece

Sometimes you have to be your own motivation.

In those moments when you find yourself slipping and it feels like you’ll never get fully back on track I’ve learned that nothing motivates me more than reminding myself where I’ve been and what I’m capable of.

This picture is from last summer. I had built more muscle than I knew was possible and honestly, I felt uncomfortable as fuck about it. I loved the body and curves I built but it was just unlike the shell I had lived in for most of my life so it seriously took some getting used to. Continue reading “Honoring every piece”

Honor Where You’re At

Honor Where You’re At

I felt like shit about myself earlier. Questioning my appearance. Pissed that I lost 2 inches in my thighs and 1.5 in my hips. I felt gross and annoyed and just ugh.

Pushed to go to the gym anyway. Sort of in a fog the entire time but intentionally focusing on the detail of every move I made, every set, every muscle engagement. That’s what pushed me through and the whole time I kept feeling like I wasn’t doing enough.

Like what in the actual fuck is that? I just did the same workout I did on leg day for 2 years to build that size to begin with. That’s a savage workout. Continue reading “Honor Where You’re At”

Half The Strength

Half The Strength

No one ever talks about how mentally difficult it is when you find yourself back in the gym and only having half the strength you used to.

It’s a serious struggle. In an instant you can find yourself feeling dumb, embarrassed, weak, angry, frustrated.

“How did I let this happen?”

It can be paralyzing if you let it. And honestly, several times lately I have let that voice win. And due to that, I started feeling worse. Continue reading “Half The Strength”