Support System

Support System

The other day I was sitting in the salon chair recapping some current events from my world with my friend and hair stylist when I realized that I had just referenced my therapist and my psychiatrist within a few short breaths of each other. When realizing that, I stopped and jokingly said “Damn, don’t I sound like a mess? It takes a team to keep my head right!” To which she replied “Nope! Sounds smart to me. It’s your job to keep a whole list full of people’s heads and business’s right, only makes sense that you have your own team for yours.”

That comment has been ringing in my head ever since. First off, she was right. And she knows me pretty damn well. We’ve been friends since high school but over the past 4 years she’s been the brains behind this mermaid hair which means she gets the joy of spending 4+ hours with me every few months to install a new set of extensions… so it’s safe to say, she knows all of the things. I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone more understanding or less judgmental in my life and I’m super grateful for that relationship.

Back to my point, I have assembled quite the team of professionals to keep me sane and functioning at a high capacity. Sure, I’m the one spending the money, dedicating the time, and doing the work, but they are there to help me navigate everything in the healthiest way possible. Continue reading “Support System”

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Honoring every piece

Honoring every piece

Sometimes you have to be your own motivation.

In those moments when you find yourself slipping and it feels like you’ll never get fully back on track I’ve learned that nothing motivates me more than reminding myself where I’ve been and what I’m capable of.

This picture is from last summer. I had built more muscle than I knew was possible and honestly, I felt uncomfortable as fuck about it. I loved the body and curves I built but it was just unlike the shell I had lived in for most of my life so it seriously took some getting used to. Continue reading “Honoring every piece”

Honor Where You’re At

Honor Where You’re At

I felt like shit about myself earlier. Questioning my appearance. Pissed that I lost 2 inches in my thighs and 1.5 in my hips. I felt gross and annoyed and just ugh.

Pushed to go to the gym anyway. Sort of in a fog the entire time but intentionally focusing on the detail of every move I made, every set, every muscle engagement. That’s what pushed me through and the whole time I kept feeling like I wasn’t doing enough.

Like what in the actual fuck is that? I just did the same workout I did on leg day for 2 years to build that size to begin with. That’s a savage workout. Continue reading “Honor Where You’re At”

Half The Strength

Half The Strength

No one ever talks about how mentally difficult it is when you find yourself back in the gym and only having half the strength you used to.

It’s a serious struggle. In an instant you can find yourself feeling dumb, embarrassed, weak, angry, frustrated.

“How did I let this happen?”

It can be paralyzing if you let it. And honestly, several times lately I have let that voice win. And due to that, I started feeling worse. Continue reading “Half The Strength”

Leave It There

Leave It There

Leave it there.
Those pieces that are breaking off.
Those things that are no longer serving you.

Maybe it’s a belief. Maybe it’s a habit. Maybe it’s a story. Maybe it’s a person. Maybe it’s a place. Maybe it’s a pattern. Maybe it’s as small as choosing silence over a response. Continue reading “Leave It There”

Down 11 Pounds

Down 11 Pounds

First picture, I’m standing at 128 lbs and feeling excellent. I hadn’t been lifting consistency but my nutrition was pretty solid.

Second picture, I’m down 11 lbs… Most of which was probably muscle but that’s just an assumption.

This loss was not on purpose. Not even a little bit! It followed a month long battle with a cold, then influenza mixed with a bunch a stress that ended me up in a pretty ugly bout with my hypoglycemia. I haven’t had an episode that bad in over a year. It took days to recover. I could barely move, let alone stand. It took everything I had to drink water or 3 bites of oatmeal. It was terrible.

I felt lifeless. I was scared. I remember waking up my boyfriend telling him it was worse than I thought and I was scared to go to the hospital. We decided I’d get strict and try to fight it, even if that meant him reminding me to drink pedialyte every hour because it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Do you know what being in that kind of physical state does to your mental state? It makes you think you’re the worst person in the world. It convinces you that you’re a burden on those who love you. It convinces you that it’s all your fault and if you weren’t such a terrible person then you wouldn’t have let your body get to this state in the first place. It makes you feel ashamed for something you truly can’t control. you find yourself apologizing for asking for help even though you really need it. Continue reading “Down 11 Pounds”

Real Change

Real Change

7 years ago I posted the picture on the left as my “goal” physique. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to have curves. I wanted to look that way AND feel healthy.

I had zero idea how to get there.

I would try the regularly suggested methods of eating and all the “fad” ways to get the booty and abs… guess what? None of that worked. And I would go through cycles of consistency, not feel better, not get stronger, and in turn would get discouraged and then give up. Continue reading “Real Change”