My Photo on the Refrigerator

I keep this photo on my refrigerator door so I see it every day.

Not because that’s my goal body like most people would assume. (It’s pre-boob job and pre-squat for the booty so no, trust me it’s not my goal body)

I keep it there as a reminder of when I first got a taste of TRUE FREEDOM.

I’m 18 years old in this picture. Standing on the beach in San Diego.
This was the first time I had traveled alone.
The first time I put my toes in the Pacific Ocean.
The first time I had traveled West at all actually. Continue reading “My Photo on the Refrigerator”

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I am an American

I am an American

Once upon a time I was the girlfriend of a deployed Marine.

It was him. And me. That’s all that mattered in that, to what now feels like such a brief moment in time. In my heart, I knew he needed me, and I fully intended to be there as much as I possibly could as a support system to him.

It was the first time I made friends with women across the country whom I had never met. It was the first time I reached outside of my inner circle for connection and support. No one else got it. Honestly, I didn’t really even talk to the people “closest to me” about it at all. To this day they don’t really know much about that relationship… how deep it was, how it affected me, how it unraveled… Continue reading “I am an American”

The House That Built Me

Grandparents I’ve seen that red maple tree outside of my grandparents patio window a thousand times at its current size, yet each time I look at it I seem surprised that it’s so big. It seems like just yesterday my grandpa was putting the landscaping bricks around its base so my grandma could pants flowers around what was then, a very small tree. Continue reading “The House That Built Me”

end rant.

Is happiness with someone else in my life even an option for me? I cannot help but ask myself this….No matter what situation I allow myself to get involved in I always search for something that is wrong, something that makes me run away. but when there is a situation in front of me that is obviously a bad idea and is clearly something I should run from, I can’t seem to make myself do it. Maybe it’s the stubborn in me that makes me want to always prove a point. Or maybe I just have to figure it out on my own. I have always learned every lesson in life the hard way but why? I’m not stupid, I can normally see this shit from a mile away. Why must I always jump in anyways? It all goes back to “Well maybe he sees how amazing I am, maybe this will be one in a million, that fairy tale” It sucks to admit that no matter how strong I am or I seem to be I am still guilty of the stereo-typical Disney story ideas. Its pathetic. Continue reading “end rant.”

Damn pandora…

Damn pandora…

“i know you haven’t made your mind up yet but i would never do you wrong. I’ve known it since the first time that we met, there’s no doubt in my mind where you belong”

Maybe people are right, maybe i am used to getting my way. Maybe Im used to putting in the effort needed, busting my ass for what I want and actually getting it. But not here. Not in this situation. You refuse to let me win. Refuse to give me what I want more than anything else..Even though i truly believe that it is what you want too. It doesn’t make sense at all why being stubborn is more appetitizing to you than everything you know we could be. Continue reading “Damn pandora…”

red dress..

Written in 2007

moment: she walks into the room, red dress flowing and sparkling with every step. she looks confident and beautiful as she slowly scans the room…looking for him. there he stands, against the wall. dressed in traditional pride from head to toe. the look he carries is firm, yet worried. that is until their eyes meet and a smile instantly fills both faces. they move across the room closer to each other as if drawn together by some kind of force. everything moves out of their way, for their eyes have yet to leave each others. at last they meet. his hand finds hers and they embrace. he looks deeply into her eyes. as he slowly leans in he draws her near. their lips melt together, fitting perfectly, as if they were made for one another. time stops..and everything else disappears…..

Hero..

Written in 2007

Hero: I sit there thinking about what you’re doing or where you are. it’s almost enough to drive me crazy sometimes. i wish i could hear your voice whenever i feel the need. but your job is important so i understand. you know, “you’re kind of a big deal”. then the time comes and your words fly through the sky to me. and almost immediately my life settles. anything in me that is not content or satisfied disappears. theres something extremely special here. theres no need to even speak those words, it is a common understanding between our hearts. hearing it out loud is amazing yet so painful. my time with you is short and far between. but i will cherish the minutes we do have. you have become my best friend and my hero. you have put yourself out there to defend millions of people you have never even met for a cause that is timeless and so respectful. there will be no night when i close my eyes without thoughts of you. my prayers will be sent directly to heavens door to keep you safe and bring you home. home to me. i’ll be here no matter what. waiting on my hero….