Last year taught me that everything can change in a short period of time.
The day before 2019 started, I was unloading a truck of my stuff in a new state, into a new home, with a new family. Something that I always felt was way bigger than me, something I almost didn’t really have a say in deciding, I was just drawn to it in the most divine way…
Little did I know that the reason was bigger and deeper and more magical than I could have ever imagined.
The funny thing is, the growth that occurred during those first few months of last year had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else but me. Well, me and Tony oddly enough. Actually it’s not odd at all if you know our love story, it just wasn’t what I was able to see in those moments.
I’ve dealt with some pretty horrible things in my life and this was definitely one of the worst. Yet, it was also one I recovered and fully healed from faster than any of the others. You see, when I look back at that time, that decision, that move, it’s not about anyone else… I don’t even see their faces. I just see the path. And much like Vegas, the best part is What happened in Iowa, STAYED IN IOWA.
I didn’t bring an ounce of the drama or situation back with me. When I was done, I was done. When I drove away from that place, I left it all there. And I came back to Missouri as an entirely different person. A different person that I spent over 6 months completely engulfed in getting to know.
So when I think about what last year provided for me, It’s me. It gave me, me.
It was hard. And dark. I cried more last year than I had my entire life. And I learned that allowing emotions was one of the biggest things I was missing from my life. I learned that being strong meant being vulnerable, and not just the type of vulnerability people discuss on the internet that allows them to share their stories in a blog post. The kind of vulnerability that rips away every single layer, every wall, every defense mechanism.
The Universe sent me a comet. And in the midst of it’s initial destruction I was hopeless… then in the next moment, the Universe sent me a guide. A guide who’s energy has been described as that of a comet himself. He helped me sort through it all and truly see things differently than I ever saw anything before. Him and a beautiful army of light workers helped me sort through the darkest moments.
Because you see, that comet had to happen, it had to. It had to happen so I could truly know what real light was. I wish I could fully explain to you the out of body experience that has happened. I wish I could show you what I see so clearly, what I was able to see in the moments of pure destruction. I knew it had to happen. I knew it had to be that massive. I knew it had to happen away from home, away from the ties that bound me for so long.
For years I had explained to Tony, to my friends, to my Coaches that I felt like I was suffocating. I would slip away to the mountains, take trips, go on spiritual quest in hopes of finding whatever it was that was preventing me from fully taking a full deep breath but for years, it didn’t happen. I still felt like I couldn’t breathe. Even though I was thriving. Even though I was loved. Even though I was happy. I couldn’t breathe, for years.
The journey that started last September and the whirlwind that followed broke away every single thing that was stopping me from breathing. After it was all said and done, I saw that fact more clearly than anything I’ve ever known.
When I got back to Missouri, the real work began. Every social contract I had ever created was broken. It was all striped away and I then had the beautiful choice to decide which I was going to pick back up and which I was going to leave severed. Not an easy process but holy shit do I feel lighter than I ever have in my life!
(The ties I left severed, I didn’t leave unhealed or unaddressed either. If it was no longer serving me, I took a good long look at why. I identified what part I played in that and acknowledged it. I didn’t hide from them or place blame on others and I think that’s an important point to share. Severing a tie and not addressing why isn’t healthy and it WILL leave that as something you’ll have to deal with at some point, within yourself.)
You see, the control I felt the need to have over every outcome was suffocating me. The obligations I felt to be a certain way to certain people was stealing my air. The need to mother every person in my life was slowly sucking the life out of me every time. The empty relationships and conversations that just filled a void were like boulders in my pockets.
That comet I was referring to earlier released all of those things and my commitment to following the path that God obviously felt so strongly was mine that he needed to take me through hell to reveal it was bigger and stronger than any will I’ve had.
So from the outside looking in, 2019 may have looked like something I’d probably want to forget but the truth is, I couldn’t be more grateful.
I found me.
I released me.
I found more light than I ever knew I had.
The darkness gave me that.
The darkness transformed me.
I was given more light than I knew I could hold.
And through that transformation I was given back myself, my purpose, and my love. Because you see while the comet was hitting me, it hit him too. And we both emerged on other sides as the people we always needed to be in order to fully embody the love that we have shared all of these years.
Because of the comet the limitations we thought we had are now gone. The noise is gone. The positions we thought we needed to fill are gone. All of the things that got louder than our love have been stripped away and we were finally able to join hands again as two whole, solid individuals who truly CHOOSE each other for no other reason than love.
Cheers to a new existence.