Security. For a lot of my life it was something I felt I desperately wanted someone else to provide but was always something I was left without every time.
So I shifted. I created patterns and habits to prevent myself from feeling that disappointment or fear. I built walls and towers to stay just far enough away that people didn’t get too close.
I would call before they had the chance to not choose me. I would make the date before anyone had to opportunity to forget or not make it a priority. I would “check in” to try and feel like I was helping but what I was really doing was fulfilling something within myself that needed to feel wanted. A desire that given the previously described habits, I never actually let anyone show up and fulfill for me in the first place.
It was a vicious cycle. One that continued even after I finally let someone in, even after I finally allowed myself to count on someone other than myself I still had those unhealthy patterns because at the time I didn’t know they existed yet.
You see, once I allowed someone to actually fill that since of security that I wanted, I let him in all of the way. He showed up in all of the ways and was all of the things to me that I never let anyone be before.
Even through a breakup and me moving to another state with another man, he remained a main pillar in every area of my world. One that was so familiar, so ever present, so supportive that I didn’t even realize the fact that not having it was even an option. The thought never crossed my mind because he was always the only one. He was mine. I was his. And along with that came the amazing foundation of a relationship that we both promised would never go anywhere, no matter what.
Coming to the realization that some of that had to change hit me like a ton of bricks. Like a storm I never saw coming and for about 6 months it left us both scrambling, clinging to each other when we could, and trying to navigate this new way of being.
For me, it meant removing every single expectation and obligation I had or felt from any person I had in my life, especially him. It meant a full blown pruning process. Where I watched everything and everyone fall to the ground around me.
I then have had the privilege of hand choosing, one by one who/what I would pick back up again. All while choosing how each interaction would be different, what I would allow.
Not all of them were ready to meet me where I was now standing and that was just something I had to accept. It hasn’t always been easy but my goodness how my life gotten lighter in the process, and brighter💫
And that security I’ve had from that one single person for the past 8 years? It changed too. It was stripped down to the bare bones. And the we’ve dissected it. We looked at the layers that had been peeled away and learned why they were formed in the first place. We learned about each other but more importantly, we learned about ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong, this is about me, not him but I’m grateful that he and I have been able to experience a lot of this as full individuals still coming together to compare notes and plug into each other.
Through it all I stopped all unhealthy patterns or bonds or safety nets. I’ve questioned his integrity or if he’s capable of being that pillar ever again. I’ve rewritten the position he plays. I’ve questioned the position everyone plays.
And most importantly, I’ve rewritten the position I play in every single moment and interaction with everyone.
But the coolest part has been creating my own solid since of security. It’s me. I’m the security. My faith in the universe having my back is the security. My surrender is the security. My ability to have people in my life solely because I choose to, no obligations is a form of security… and freedom too, honestly.
Now don’t get me wrong, I long for feeling that safety that someone else can provide sometimes… but luckily I still get the privilege of feeling it sometimes and now it’s on my terms, which is even better. Because the house don’t fall when the bones are good.
Anyway, at the end of the day I know who I am on a deeper level now than I ever have before.
And who I am? I stopped defining it. I stopped the rules and obligations and stories and instead simply stand up every morning as ME… and that security is indescribable.