This weekend marks 8 years since I finally walked away (Originally written May 25).
Man, sometimes it feels like 15 and other times it feels like it was an entirely different lifetime altogether.
For years I would never admit this part to anyone that wasn’t actually present for the mess that was my life at the moment but I originally left in December. It wasn’t until the end of May that I was finally, finally, really really really left. Like left left. Never turned back. Never had another conversation. And the really interesting part is, I literally have no seen his face or heard his voice since that day.
It’s interesting because for more than half of these past 8 years, we lived ridiculously close to one another. Still in the same town, hell..almost on the same damn street and never once did I run into him or see him somewhere.
If that’s not the universe having my back, I don’t know what is.
He still tried. He still tries actually. To keep tabs. To pretend nothing ever happened. To make me out to be the crazy one. Like I imagined it all. So extremely predictable at this point that it truly doesn’t even phase me.
But I remember a time when it did. I remember a time when I would dread seeing that name pop up or fear hearing his voice in the grocery store line or at a local bar. It wasn’t always on the surface, but underneath the awareness was constantly there. Constantly on guard, just in case.
This morning as I was reflecting back on the massive turning point this weekend was for me all those years ago, I can’t help but feel fucking invincible at the thought of all I’ve overcome. All of the realizations from previous abuse I had endured in relationships before him that I never identified as abuse until you know, I was “really abused” 🙄🤦♀️ as ridiculous as that sounds, I know those of you who are still reading this probably know exactly what I’m talking about. And this may have just caused you to realize where actual abuse occurred before your “real abuse” happened.
Trauma is weird. And it’s real. And it can be a pattern if you’re not careful, a sneaky, underhanded pattern. And because it is in fact, a really unpleasant topic, it’s a big no no to talk about… which is exactly why I do talk about it. Especially on these sort of milestones. It’s important to shine light on the fact that it DOES happen. And it doesn’t make you dumb, or weak, or broken. It makes you human. And it makes you a survivor. And I hope that for you as much as it has for me, it makes you unstoppable, resilient, and more capable of never settling than anyone you know.
Your life can change.
Your triggers can be healed.
Your scars may remain but they will not always control you, I promise.
Keep moving forward.
Keep loving yourself.
And don’t allow yourself to repeat the pattern, at any level. You know what’s abusive and what’s not. Don’t try to mask it. You owe it to yourself not to mask anything.
And keep reminding yourself of how strong you were to leave and stay gone.
And how strong you ARE to be able to tell your story… even if only inside your own head and heart. You’re the hero here, 100%