Originally posted on May 23rd, 2019…
Lately, sometimes, it literally feels like I’m being haunted.
Haunted by the things that happened, haunted by the promises I believed, the future that I so clearly saw. Haunted by the person you once were, the person who surely no longer exists but at one time was the realest soul I’ve ever encountered in this lifetime.
Haunted. That is the only word that can begin to describe it. That word came to mind this morning when the ghosts started to creep in and the memories of how I watched you die and transform into a different person right in front of my eyes, the memories of how everything that was once so real burst into flames and disappeared in what all felt like a bad movie. But the ghosts still linger.
It’s in those moments that I allow myself to stop and look at it for what it was. Look at the truths. Look at the way I handled it all and shine light on the fact that I could not be more proud of myself for the brilliant compassionate way I stayed true the entire time.
It’s also in those moments that I must acknowledge the ugliness of it all. I must look at the reality of how it transpired and know that that is indeed the actual truth. No stories, no accusations, no blowing things out of proportion. It was in fact THAT traumatic, THAT surreal, and THAT mind-boggling.
Because I cannot allow myself to think it was at all fabricated or pretend like it didn’t happen. Because it is in the facing it all, shining the light on it in the here and now that has allowed me to prevail. That is what has allowed me to build more happiness and peace in my current existence than I’ve ever had. Knowing good and well that the ghosts of that ugly story will still pop up from time to time, and that is okay. As long as they remain just that, ghosts.
I take comfort in knowing that it will all continue to fade. It will all continue to become more and more distant and those ghosts, though they may still show up from time to time, before long I won’t remember the smells, the sounds, or the subtle reminders that bring it back to mind so quickly now. Soon, those things won’t be able to touch me. But only because I am consciously allowing it all to ebb and flow. I’m not clinging to any of it. It’s all about fact and fiction here. It’s about balance my thoughts. It’s about allowing the truth to win and my light to dissipate it all into a place that it can no longer touch anything or anyone.
And when I look back, this isn’t shit compared to some of the wars I’ve encountered, conquered, and walked away from still in one piece. Reflecting back on that makes me see even more certainty that this haunting will be short-lived. It really hasn’t been that long. Less than 30 days and it’s already barely existent most days.
Oh, shit, I just looked at the date and it has in fact been exactly 30 days since I stood there, looked around and removed my energy from it all. And I could walk away with absolute certainty, with my head held high, and with grace intact.
It’s funny how the universe works. I truly haven’t felt called to write about this. I haven’t really even talked to anyone about it. And being a writer, that’s odd for me. But today, today it comes out and I just couldn’t stop pacing until I wrote it? I see you universe, I see you.
Not writing/talking about it with every person in my life has been a massive part of my own internal lesson through it all, the lesson in knowing that I don’t need to tell the details over and over again. It’s not necessary for every detail to be known by every person, because what is that serving? Nothing. External validation serves no purpose here and it doesn’t in 99.9% of situations I encounter either.
It’s my experience to sort and heal from and I promise you I have been. In completely amazing and beautiful ways. It’s such an enlightening time. Rebirth. Pruning the overgrowth. Stepping into every situation old and new as the newest, brightest version of myself.