It was recently brought to my attention that I make all of this look really “easy”. Ya know, this intentional living thing.
Which I was honestly taken aback by because it’s not easy at all, not even a little bit. And I feel like I show all sides of the spectrum but I guess since I show the struggles after I’ve gotten through to the other side that it still looks like I’m handling everything with ease. Now don’t get me wrong, there are times that because I am so damn proactive that things to do appear to be easy and flowy and glamorous but that’s because I put in the work up front. I take the extra time in the moments to handle the things or prepare or set myself and my family up for success.
Notice how I just said FAMILY there? Ya, let’s talk about that for a second. You guys know me as the girl with the two super freaking cute dogs in her quaint little house who wakes up every morning and goes through the mission of rocking life that day, then goes to bed at the same specific time every night and wakes up the next day and does it all over again. That girls life wasn’t easy either. She struggled. She slayed a lot of freaking dragons in that house. She did some ugly but beautiful work over the past few years. All to prepare and create things that at one time I never thought were even possible. But it was much more simple because most of the time it was just me, yes.
But now, now I’m in a very different spot. One I haven’t really talked to you about. I’ve shared in my group about it and that’s where the “this is comforting to see that you’re human” comment came from (said solely from a place of love, I know that ) as I stood in the middle of the kitchen late for a live stream, one that I delivered as I was looking dinner for Chan because the day got away from me and I had to do both. I was frantic, I felt like an idiot but the kid had to eat and I had promised 30 people I’d be live to teach so, I made it work.
Because here’s the thing guys… I went from 3 years of living alone trying to figure out life on my own terms with occasionally making space for other people but only when I chose to and when I didn’t want to, I just closed the door and turned my phone on silent and ignored everyone… because I could. I went from that world into a family basically overnight.
We unloaded all of my stuff into this beautiful apartment and there was barely any space left to sit. Boxes everywhere. And it stayed that way for about a week. I basically killed myself putting everything into the perfect place. I turned this house into a home in a pretty magical way, if I do say so myself. That next week my boyfriend started back into college to pursue a new career. The class load was double what we had originally planned for which meant double the time of him being gone each week and triple the time spent on homework.
So here we stood; me in a new state, a new home, a new family and him with a new challenge, a new schedule, a new person to deal with. It’s been nothing but uncharted territory for us both. Trying to find a schedule that worked for everyone, our first priority being his son and making sure that he had a super easy and consistent schedule above all else. Basically, that’s what we’ve been working towards every week since the first of the year. Trying to maneuver the melding of our lives all while still keeping Chandler thriving and happy and getting everything he could possibly need.
Here’s the thing, IT’S WORKING. But it’s been hard as fuck.
From a world where I could shut the door and ignore the world anytime I wanted to a place where I can’t go outside to get something from the car without worrying about another person, sure shifted things fast. (Don’t worry, I adjusted quickly I was made for this spot. My mom has quiet literally been training me my entire life for this shit.) but it was the making sure my boyfriend and I are also getting what we need as individuals and as partners at the same time. That he has space to work on his stuff and study. That I have space to work on my business and myself. That’s been the hardest part honestly. I’ve gotten lost a few times. I’ve put everything before my stuff. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve felt like a failure even after a day of full success with Chan and this house and my clients but because I had no energy left to do the rest of the list, I felt like I failed.
There’s been a lot of conversations with myself. There’s been a lot of phone calls to my mom. There’s been a lot of me forcing my stubborn boyfriend to talk to me even when he had a pile of homework and zero desire to talk to anyone, let alone about his feelings but those conversations are the most important thing guys. Have those conversations above all else. They are what will keep you steady. They are what will keep you pushing forward and what will keep you on the same page in this journey together.
In all actuality, I’m rocking at this life. At the end of the day, regardless of how I may feel about it, I haven’t failed. It’s just a matter of adjusting my inner voice to understand that the priorities have shifted. It’s adjusting to the fact that things can’t happen the way they used to in my quiet world. It’s being more flexible than I naturally care to be. And honestly, it’s being MORE intentional and MORE proactive every single day to ensure that the little shit doesn’t pile up into a mountain that must be tackled (I’m talking in terms of dishes, laundry, AND feelings).
So no, I’m not perfect and no this isn’t easy. It wasn’t easy before I had a family and a household to keep moving in the right direction. But doing this job makes me so fucking happy it’s not even funny. Even on the days when I’m so stressed that I burst into tears the moment I see Anthony’s face, it’s worth it.
I believe I was put on this planet for two main reasons…one was to shine my light and help people create the lives that they desire and the other is this new job right here. I’m still figuring out the best way to navigate it all but you know what? I will. I am. And I will probably spend the rest of my life juggling just that but that’s not a bad thing .
I’m so fucking grateful.
And stay tuned because I’m breaking the silence around this. I’ve done some pretty great work in this new job and I plan on starting to share all of that with you. The routines. The plans. The observations I’ve made and the actions taken following those realizations in order to continue to streamline this life and make it easier for my family.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading/listening. Thanks for allowing me to come into your world every day. Thanks for caring enough to peer into mine . I truly appreciate you all.