The past few years I’ve spent the majority of my time alone.
A lot of it by choice, a lot of it simply because I refuse to “fill” my space just for the sake of filling it.
The past few summers it feels like I’m either spending the weekends traveling, surrounded by people, living the dream and feeling so full or I’m home, by myself, feeling full but also wishing someone was there.
Wishing might not be the right word. But honestly I’m not even sure any of this is going to make sense or even truly get my point across. I’ve been thinking about writing on the topic for a long time but could never find the words to really describe this strange state I find myself in a lot of the time.
I’m not saying I’m sad and lonely feel sorry for poor Jamie. What I’m saying is that sometimes, when you choose to not settle for a life or for people who don’t fit, you find yourself flying solo a lot.
What I’m saying is, even when I was in a relationship I felt alone. I was alone most of the time because different circumstances and such kept us apart or I would choose myself and what I wanted to do and he would choose himself and what he wanted to do more often than not so therefore I was solo most of the time.
I will say that the place I’m standing in now is much better because when being alone is a choice verses feeling alone when you have someone… it’s just different.
So this morning I woke up, happy, bright, ready for the day. Excited to adventure and go out into the world. And as I found myself a few hours into the day, realizing that the only human I had spoken words out loud to all day was the woman who took my order at Starbucks and it was already 4 hours into my day… I started to feel a little sad. Yep, I said it: sad.
Because here I am another summer solo. Another summer adventuring out into the world by myself.
Please know that I’m not complaining here. Most of the time I choose this BUT to be totally honest, it sure would be nice to have someone who actually wanted to share it with me.
Or maybe I tell myself I choose it because that feels better… no. Actually I DO choose it because I could easily “fill” the space with someone but I refuse to do that if it’s not the “right” someone… anyway back to my main thought here…
My closest friends know this but I have never really said it out loud to you all before… for the past few years I’ve just realized I’m ready to have someone to do life with.
Yes, that’s how I describe it. I want someone to do life with. That’s it.
Nothing fancy. Nothing spectacular. Nothing over the top. I don’t expect much. Just some time with someone who enjoys me and doesn’t make me feel like it’s a chore. Just a companion every once in a while.
You see, that sentence right there is why I’ve always refrained from writing about this.
“Someone who enjoys me and doesn’t make me feel like it’s a chore”.
Yuck. What a terrible thing to say. No one makes me feel anything, I know I control that. But I also know that I allowed myself to feel that. I did. I have allowed that into my space so many times that I find myself questioning why it’s like this.
So many conversations in my mind correcting my subconscious mind when it creeps in with this shit. So many conversations explaining the FACTS from the “opinions” of my subconscious mind.
The facts are that I’m fucking fabulous. I’m funny and easy-going and a damn good time. I can literally have a blast anywhere, doing anything, and for those of you who know me well, you know that’s absolutely the truth.
The fact is I’m the most understanding, least dramatic chick you will ever meet. I’m ridiculously self-sufficient, rarely get angry, and when I do it only lasts for like 5 minutes max because ain’t nobody got time for that.
I have high standards and expect communication, yes but I am also understanding about the fact that most people don’t know how to handle that at first so I’m aware of that and patient with them while they get used to me.
The facts are that it will take a special person to have the balls enough to step into this space, I know that. But honestly, it should be the easiest decision they ever make because well, see the paragraphs above.
I KNOW for a fact that I am worthy of this amazing partner in crime to do life with. But I’m telling you all of this because even I’m sad about it sometimes. Even I find myself standing in a pool of self-doubt I have to pull myself out of. We all do. Everyone has moments like this. It’s just a matter of how long you allow yourself to stand in them. So look that shit in the face and deal with it, but don’t swim in that pool for too long because it will drown you if you’re not careful.
Use your tools. Flip your mindset. Remind yourself who the fuck you are and what you’re working for. Then get back up, dry yourself off, and go shine. That’s the only way to attract it my friends, to believe it, to live it, to BE IT.