Sometimes I wonder if you’ve ever done to her what you did to me.

When the doors are shut and there’s no one around and you have no one else to take your anger out on. Do you turn to her like you did to me?

Then I think, if you haven’t…when will you?

I mean, it’s only a matter of time isn’t it?

Only a matter of time before that thing in your head snaps and your eyes go black and you turn into “him”. Where she “insults” you, or denies you, or pushes you away, and you have no other choice but to teach her a lesson. No other choice but to remind her who you are, who’s really in charge around here.

The thought of that scares me.

I don’t want to see your face on the news. I don’t want you to do this to another woman. And honestly, what scares me the most is that you’re going to do it to your kids. When they don’t listen, or they smart off, or the first time they tell you they hate you. Are you going to hit them too? Too hard? Too much? Lose it?

Then what? Will she hide it? Will she stop you? Or will you stop her?

I know there is nothing I can do at this point. I told my story and I will keep telling it every chance I get if I think it can help someone. But that doesn’t mean it will protect her and those babies.

She’s heard the stories. I know she has. It’s not a secret. Although it’s something that you’ve convinced yourself never even happened so of course you’ve convinced her too.
But that’s the problem with people who have the same problems as you. You can only hide that shit for so long. That demon is still a part of you. It’s still in there. Hiding, lurking, waiting for the moment you can’t hold it back any more.

That’s the thing with this issue you have. It will happen again. It’s just a matter of when.

Why? Because you’ve never looked it in the face. You’ve never dealt with it and gotten to the bottom of why it lives in you or even admitted that it was there in the first place.
Maybe you could get rid of it. Maybe you can’t. I don’t know and I’m not going to pretend that I can figure that out.
All I do know is that this kind of stuff is entirely too common.
And it’s written off as anger issues or frustration. Or “he just doesn’t know how to handle his emotions” Or “boys will be boys”.

No. Not like that. That is not how any human should act, ever. Not knowing how to handle your emotions doesn’t justify laying your hands on another human being. It doesn’t constitute the emotional hell I know you’re capable of putting another person through. The games, the manipulation, the torture. Nothing can justify that. NOTHING.

It’s been close to 8 years at this point and you still try to keep tabs on me to this day. Because you see, that kind of controlling sickness is a part of your make up and every time I see your name pop up in my inbox, I am reminded of that. And that is why I pray for those kids and that woman who has been brainwashed to think that I’m just a lying, dramatic, crazy person.

But like I said, I will keep talking about it. Because I was lucky enough to walk away. I was strong enough to rebuild. I was able to recreate my life, a life that is so amazing that you can’t even imagine. I have been blessed enough to have been put on a path that has allowed me to forgive you, to understand it all so much better and by doing that I have been able to get past it. I have been able to help so many people along the way. I have been able to tear back the scarred tissue layer by layer and actually face it to where you no longer has a hold on me, even though I know you still think you do.

I will keep talking until more people do. I will keep shining in hopes of encouraging more people to stand up and speak out. Because one person saying one thing could stop so much. It could stop a cycle. It could save a life. It could save many lives. It could be the change that we need.

1 in 4 women have been abused. That means you personally know many women who have been assaulted at one point or another. Most don’t talk about it. Most don’t want to ever admit that it happened. But they lived it and unfortunately, a lot of them relive it in their minds every day. Keep that in mind and choose to be different. Mental, physical, and sexual abuse all tends to lead to each other at one point or another. And most abusers are not one time offenders. It truly is a cycle. Unless we stop it.

This isn’t easy to read, I know that. But for those of you who are still with me, I appreciate you reading. I appreciate you allowing me to open your eyes to this. I appreciate you allowing me to shine some light.

It’s ugly. I know that too. But it’s REAL.

And people need to look it in the face in order for it to be less of a norm.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that periodically I share about this and I throw out the offer to help. My door is open. My light is on. I can start a pot of coffee in just a moment. I’m here for you so please reach out. It will stay confidential but I know what it’s like to not be able to tell a soul. So please know that I’m here and my door is open.  

The only way to make change in this world, is to BE THE CHANGE. Please share this message. Please help me stop the cycle of abuse. Even if this message reaches only ONE person who needs a little extra courage to stand up, then it was worth it to bare my soul once again.

One thought on “Be The Change

  1. We are very similar we are my dear. I’ve yet to publish a book, but I’m working on a couple including one about abuse, yes. Your ahead of me in many ways, I feel a blathering fool in comparison, yet comparing my negatives to your positives is a thing to curtail. We’re all in some step and hole, kinda like that childhood game Shoots and Ladders.

    You ever write poetry? April is National Poetry Month. It’s the best month for catching poems; all the living poets catch the poets gone whispering in the wind
    I love your blog!! And if you wrote a book, I’d not only read it, I’d promote it

    Liked by 1 person

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