Nothing I do makes sense, well I mean it doesn’t “mesh” or fit according to the standard “what makes a woman great” memo that the world has been handed. I tend to leave people scratching their heads, unsure what I just said or did. Unable to truly understand the methods to my madness until much later after they’ve allowed it to process, then it “sort of” makes sense. But even then, I’m a walking contradiction.
WHICH has always been something I’ve been proud of. It makes me smile when I realize that the opposite ends of the spectrum that make up every piece of my personality is so far from the norm that it makes most people uncomfortable. That is something I always thought was endearing, a positive trait, something that made me stand out. Something that was a huge part of that undeniable feeling that I was put on this planet for extraordinary. But lately I’ve questioned it…a lot.
And I couldn’t figure out why. Why was I questioning who I was or wondering in my mind if I was good enough or did enough or took care of everything the way that I was supposed to. And even though I was happy with my progress, I was still not confident in it. Not like I used to be.
Well, that was my subconscious brain trying to lead that show while all at the same time my conscious, logical mind was telling me that the voice was mistaken, it couldn’t be further from wrong. I mean, not to toot my own horn or anything but I’ve got my shit together in a pretty extraordinary way and my logical brain is very aware of the facts surrounding the person that I am and the things that I accomplish everyday as well as the way I treat people and I know that indeed is “enough”.
So why in the hell was my subconscious trying to tell me otherwise?
During a deep conversation with my journal last night that ended in a deep telephone call, I uncovered a very big part of it…. If I was so fucking great, then why wouldn’t he want to be with me forever?
Insert Silence and shocked facial expression here….
Wow. Really? We’re going there again?
Let me explain how this thought process went…..Seriously though. If I was the “perfect woman” and so amazing then why wouldn’t he want to put aside his differences and make this thing work? Or why hasn’t someone else come along who wanted to swoop me up and seal the deal? It’s obviously something I’m doing wrong, right?
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG. I’m not doing anything wrong. But that is what my subconscious would lead me to believe. And a less self-aware individual would allow that sort of thinking to be deemed “truth” in the mind and make me want to die trying to be perfect. Men, this is the way a female brain works if we are not actively engaged with subconscious versus fact or fear versus reality. It can take you to a dark, ridiculous place really quickly if you let it. No wonder chicks get all crazy and insecure, right? But that’s another topic for another day
The fact is I had an honest man tell me the honest truth. I had an honest man who was willing to let me go, even though he sees me as perfect and loves me because the honest real raw truth is that if he “put aside his differences to make this thing work” he would be lying to me and himself and it would have eventually blown up in our faces.
Swallowing that pill has never been easy. Even though I appreciate his honesty from the get-go (this has been a reality in our world for years now) more than I appreciate anything, it’s still a hard pill to swallow. And it apparently cut deeper into a place within my mind than I was aware of.
It’s a serious mind fuck that no book can explain how to deal with when you have to choose yourself and ultimately what YOU want over someone else, even if you love them to pieces. When you both are honest and know what the reality is and you both decide to be true to yourselves, it’s a whole nother level of complicated and hard to swallow than I can even begin to explain.
But that is where my main point comes into play…No one defines your situations except you. No one can tell you how things are supposed to go or how your story is supposed to turn out. Only you get to control that. And if you CHOOSE to, YOU can define the way your situation starts, goes, and/or ends…or in this case changes.
We all get dealt a certain hand of cards, and it’s up to you to determine what you’re going to do with what’s been brought to your table.
Things don’t have to end in the general sense of the word, just because that’s what “most people” do when it comes to handling a situation. They end. They fight. They scream. They get ugly and it ends in a puff of smoke. But you see, I don’t go out like that. Not my style.
My other point is you need to peel back ALL of the layers and dissect the hell out of everything that is coming up for you. If something keeps coming up, cut it open and find out why. Get to the root of the reason, to the cause, to the source and expose it. This journey and dissection has nothing to do with anyone else except YOU. Your mind. Your logical thinking. Your reality. Your truth. Your subconscious and ultimately, Your desire to release yourself from any turmoil and be in true control of your life and your thoughts. Because if you don’t peel back the layers and expose the root of it all, it WILL infect you until it affects every area of your life and eventually stops you dead in your tracks.
Be in control. Be bravely curious and dig deeper to expose the root and then when you find it….make peace with it and let it go. You deserve it. The people in your life deserve it.
Life it too short to walking around a prisoner of your own thoughts…especially when most of them are fabricated assumptions that are very far from the truth of the reality.