Patterns. They’re a tricky thing…Something we do each time a certain situation presents itself in our lives. Something that is our “normal” reaction. But not like shivering when you’re cold kind of reaction, like drastic, sometimes life altering reactions that we make subconsciously to either shield ourselves from something or make us feel safe again.
Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of new things. Well, finding myself in positions I haven’t found myself in many years.
So currently when I’ve found myself standing in these sort of “uncharted territories”, I’ve taken this as an opportunity to look around and see what my natural reaction is (or what I would have done 10 years ago when I was in this spot) and then dissect WHY that is my reaction or where my subconscious naturally takes me.
What I’ve discovered is that in some ways, mine is a little ass backwards, or so it seems.
Let me explain…Typically people have patterns that protect them. Causing them to stay safe, retreat, not take action, stand frozen, close up, etc. What I recognized last week as I was sitting in the airport, in one case in particular, mine causes me to rebel. It causes me to get away. It causes me to run. It causes me to get out. It causes me to seek shelter in a different place.
It’s like I can’t stand still. I can’t stay in the same place a moment longer or I might explode. It’s like my soul is dying a little more every moment I’m not free.
So I run. I go somewhere. I allow myself to FEEL. I allow myself to experience on a truly heart based level.
I can clearly identify 3 separate times in my adult life that I have done exactly that. So, instead of staying stuck, I ran. I wandered. I went to a new place, with new people, and new connections and I let myself become fully engulfed in the experience.
I can confidently say that each of the experiences I’m referencing to CHANGED ME. Each experience touched my soul in a way that is different than others, deeper than others. It impacted me.
The first time this happened, I fled to San Diego. I put my toes in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I rode in the passenger seat down the highway next to the ocean and breathed in that amazing Southern California vibe and it filled me. It lit me up. I followed my heart there at the time. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I HAD to go. I knew that if I didn’t take that trip, my heart would never forgive me. I would regret it. And there is one promise I’ve kept to my 16 year old self, it’s that I will not die wondering “What if” or “What might have been”.
Since then I’ve followed that same feeling a few times and each experience was equally beautiful and soul touching. I never realized until a few days ago that the feeling in the pit of my stomach I felt before each of these adventures was the same. It was the same curiosity. It was the same need to LIVE. It was the same desire to FEEL.
And that makes me smile. That makes me so grateful to have such a divine connection to my intuition. It also makes me grateful for the courage to follow these feelings or urges, if you will.
And it wasn’t until a few days ago that I realized that this is also a PATTERN.
One that I’m not sure if I want to break yet or not. Because there I was again, on a plane following that intuition. Following that feeling. Following that need for experience.
But what happens when it ends?
Maybe that is the part of the pattern that I need to adjust. Maybe that is the part of the pattern that needs to be broken. The fun part is, I really don’t know. There really isn’t a definitive answer to that question, but maybe that’s the beautiful part about experiences?
Something that I do know is different now is my understanding of the concept of CHOOSING. I get to choose how the pattern plays out at this point. Does it continue? Does it end here?
The choice is ultimately mine. And I’m truly grateful for the ability to recognize that.