Almost 3 years ago I moved out of my boyfriend’s house.
After living together for over a year and halfway into our second year together, he dropped a huge bomb on me. Something that would have ended most relationships.
He told me that even though he has said he wanted to have more children, the more he thought about it, he realized that he did not. It was not an option for him.
You see, he is 19 years older than me. He has two grown children and a granddaughter, so it’s understandable that he wouldn’t want any more.
But I was blown away when he said this to me, for many reasons. First off, I thought I wanted kids, or at least the option to have them if I decided to. Secondly, I was blown away by the insane honestly that he laid on the table that day.
In hindsight, it’s a little crazy to think that I was more taken back by the honesty than I was by the no kids things. But let’s face it, people are rarely honest. Ever. So I wasn’t really sure what to do with that.
After a couple of days of thinking, a lot of crying and confusion and fear, I decided to move out.
I remember looking at him and saying that I had made a decision and I was going to start looking for houses. He looked back at me and said, “We’re breaking up?”
I replied, “No. But I need my own space to make a decision uninfluenced by you.”
He just kind of looked at me. I knew in that moment that I had shocked him with my honesty as much as he had shocked me with his a few days earlier.
You see, I knew that if I stayed there I would have laid in bed next to him every night, loving this amazing man and my judgement would have been clouded. I wouldn’t have been able to clearly look at my life and decide if babies were a “must have” for me, it that was a deal breaker.
The last thing I wanted to do (and his biggest fear) is to wake up in 10 years hating him because we never had kids. And in my mind, by creating the distance between us I would be able to make that decision in the present versus regretting it then.
So I sit here almost 3 years later and I’m still not 100% certain on the answer to that question, but I am confident in the fact that me maintaining the space was and is exactly what we both needed.
We wouldn’t have survived if I would have stayed. He walked on eggshells feeling like I needed something from him that he wasn’t willing to give. All while I was walking around planning our imaginary family photos out in our heads.
Here’s the thing though, SO MANY PEOPLE DO THIS. So many people wake up every morning and live life with their partner and life. They are never clear or honest with them about what story they are fabricating in their head. Or what assumptions they’ve made that are causing them to act and feel differently. Or what is really a deal breaker for them.
The just go with the flow, never truly sharing or connecting or getting what they want. Which in most cases, turns to resentment and ruins the relationship anyways.
Looking back now there are so many lessons to be learned from this experience;
1- Your relationship doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s.
You can create your own reality. You can be the exception to the rule. You can move out of your boyfriend’s house and not break up. You can move out of your boyfriend’s house and actually strengthen not only your relationship but your mutual respect and love for one another.
2- Just tell the damn truth already.
Walking around assuming things or acting a certain way because you think you “should” or you “think” you know what someone else is thinking or needing is a big giant waste of time.
ASK THEM. TELL THEM.
You can put it all out on the table without it being World War III. In fact, putting it out there on the the table could actually PREVENT that war in the first place.
So you see, the power to sculpt your life into exactly that image you see in your mind is possible. It’s all in your hands…. It just takes a little hard work, determination, and a whole lot of honesty.
Be The Change friends. You deserve it.