Sometimes I rebel against my own body.

In order to not feel terrible constantly and not fall down (no like seriously, i’ll pass out), I have to eat a very specific way every day. It consists of high calorie, high protein, high complex carb meals.. At least 7 or 8 times a day… but all clean, healthy choices. Little or no sugar. Little or no processed foods.

It’s been a long long journey of trial and error to find what actually works for me. Not just what I have to eat so I don’t feel like complete shit, but how often I have to eat and how much sleep I have to get to function normally.

So needless to say, I feel like I’m constantly eating, constantly making food, and constantly doing dishes. It’s extremely time consuming and annoying. It all has to be planned out and I have timers to remind myself and sometimes it’s just all very overwhelming.

Don’t get this twisted.. I’m not complaining. I’m not bitching about this, I’m just explaining. I’m happy to be in a place where I can control it and keep myself feeling good and healthy.

But sometimes I completely rebel against it. Sometimes I get so fucking sick and tired of it all that I just DON’T DO IT. Which typically entails me only eating 2-3 times a day for a few days in a row, drinking way too much coffee because I feel like it, not enough water, and not eating high protein at all.

The result of this is not fun. And it’s the same every time. I’m lethargic as fuck for a couple of days as I get back on track from my “rebellious binge” and literally feel completely terrible.

Similar to the morning after drinking one too many shots when you’re lying there thinking “why in the hell did I do this to myself?” (I think we’ve all been there so you can probably relate)

So this morning I was really thinking about this. I sat down with my journal and wrote it out because I want to understand WHY I do this. (I jumped off the nutrition wagon this past weekend) It made me think… WHY DOES ANYONE DO THIS?

Why do we make choices when we consciously know that the results are going to suck?
Is it because by nature we like to go against the grain? Even if we are the one’s enforcing these rules for ourselves, do we have that much of a burning desire to act out that we will do it regardless of how bad it may suck later?

Or maybe it’s because sometimes we just want to lose control.
Sometimes we NEED to lose control.

I’ve read a lot of studies and talked to a lot of women who do the opposite when it comes to their eating habits because they feel that it’s the only thing that they CAN control so they binge eat or get into an unhealthy eating habit. It allows them something they can always have full control over.

It’s funny because I feel the EXACT OPPOSITE.

Sometimes, I want to just stop. I want to stop eating with my phone dings. I want to stop having a million dishes to do. I want to stop cooking multiple times a day.

Sometimes I have to stop and lose control.
I have to jump off that bandwagon, even if it’s just for 24 hours.. Even if it has a shitty aftermath. I just do it, like it’s a must for my or something. And what’s really weird is that it’s not a premeditated thing… it’s very unconscious of me.

Now for someone who is in control of everything in her life, ALL of the time…this does make sense. But I can’t help but think that there is a more healthy way to lose control every once in awhile. A different way to get that same release.

So this week, I’m doing some soul searching. I’m in search of a new way to let go when I need to…

Have you ever felt that way?
If you find yourself in an unhealthy pattern that you’re using as a release, I encourage you to spend some time to think of another way to satisfy it. Something positive, something productive, something that keeps you moving forward.


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