It’s no secret that when things start happening in your life, it typically is all or nothing. Meaning, that whether its good or bad shit all hits the fan at the same time, everything tends to come into light at the same time, you are able to realize the truth about all of the situations you are a part of, all at the same time. Its like the universe knows that you just opened your eyes wide enough to see the truth, you removed those rose colored glasses, stopped for a second to really look at a situation, so its now going to show you the bare, raw, honest truth about EVERYTHING.
This can be extremely overwhelming, make you restless and feel almost like you’re floating around in limbo. But it also gives you the perfect excuse to listen to those slaps in the face, those realizations and really do some soul searching to make some positive changes.
I’ve had this happen to me a time or two and I really think that I’ve come out of it better in the long run each time. By nature, I’m extremely perceptive and am able to see both sides of every story or situation before making any assumptions or decisions. I can typically understand exactly why someone behaves the way that they do, therefore making it easy to forgive and forget. Having that trait usually allows me to make the best of things, take away a lesson learned and move on.
BUT from time to time, I get stumped…really really stumped. Now is one of those times……………. I’ve always been really good at getting myself wrapped up in tricky situations, no doubt about that. But it seems that this time around, I’ve gotten myself wrapped up in surrounding myself with people who see that its perfectly acceptable to treat me as an “option” in their life..meaning that I am amazing and they love me…just ask them, they’ll tell you, But I’m a only part of their life when it’s convenient for them (that part they wont admit). Because those people see nothing wrong at all with the way they treat me. I will bend over backwards, go completely out of my way and do anything for someone that means something to me. Sometimes its because I want to do nice things for that person, other-times it is completely self-serving because I like spending time with that person, or I like having them in my life, so I go out of my way to make it happen; but in both instances, I am there for the person and doing whatever I can to make them happy. So here is the problem, they don’t do that for me. Not in a self-less, ‘I just want to make her smile’ way or in a, ‘I can get something out of this too’ self-serving way. This time around I find myself standing here asking, “Self, why do these people think that you are merely an option?” And honestly, I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know how to fix it. and I don’t like it, I always know now to fix things. So I’ve tried to be distant, let that person realize that I’ve dropped the beacon call routine and I’m not always there. I’ve stopped being always available when they need me or want me. (which isn’t easy, the self-serving part of the scenario for me is now being ignored) But the question now remains, does any of that even matter? If I am being distant and no one notices, am I supposed to just cut those situations out of my life completely? Is that the answer here?
So I find myself pacing the house, organizing anything possible and thinking,…”Am I supposed to wipe this plate clean and start over?….again?”