I’ve been thinking a lot these past few weeks, trying to step outside of the box and really evaluate where I am right now.. Life has presented me with a lot of big things lately, some a huge slap in the face and some that really made me be honest with myself. (health, work, family and relationships)
One of the conversations in particular really got me thinking, do we get told the same things our entire lifes growing up, during our most “con-formative” years so much that we believe all of it? Do we think that what our parents or family members said or did was the “norm” and that was automatically adopted into our way of thinking as “The Thing to Do” or the “Way Its Supposed To Be”? I always thought that I did my own thing, that I made my own opinions on things like that but I guess my parents got me really good on this one, ha!
With that being said, i must admit that my entire life i thought that I would be married and have kids by the time i was 23. That was the plan. My parents did it. My aunts and uncles did it. My cousins did it, so why wouldn’t I? That was embedded into my brain as what was normal and expected.
Well, when 23 came around and I was living in a beautiful townhouse in Boeschertown with my lovely furbaby and no man, no serious boyfriend and no ring…i thought, “Oh, Shit.. I really messed this one up didn’t I?” When in all honesty, I really loved my life and was fully enjoying it so there was no reason to be depressed or sad that I had not achieved those things in my life just yet. So I went on to tell myself, ” oh, you’re only 23.. you have plenty of time”
Then when 25 and 26 came along, i told myself the same thing. But now i sit here almost 28 years old and think, “What the hell was I thinking? Why on earth did I let someone make me think that I needed to have a marriage and a baby by now?” Shit, If i would have followed the plan I had when I was 18 I would have 3 kids by now for god-sake. And knowing my lovely taste in men back then, I would be raising them alone while my husband worked 70 hours a week and was never around, BUT I’d have a ring on my finger and screaming kids everything, so that would be right on track, right? Wrong.
Its interesting the way your views change on things as you get to a place in life where you can take a huge step back and look around.. I mean REALLY look at it, and really be honest with yourself on where you are and where you want to be. I look around now and see that I don’t particularity want to have a kid in my life right now. Sure, I love babies, LOVE them! And I would be a pretty kick-ass mom, if I do say so myself 🙂 But honestly, I’m pretty content with just having my niece and nephew at this point. And ya know whats crazy? There is not a damn thing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I do not have a kid, nor do I have any desire to have one at this point.
As I look at my life right now and what I foresee in the near future I see something completely different than my 20 year old self would have ever guessed in her wildest dreams. I see me focusing on me. I have some work to do when it comes to my current health situation and am focusing a ton of time on that. I’m 27 and plan on being in the best shape of my life before this summer gets here. But most importantly I realized that being in an amazing relationship is one of the most important things to me. I dont want to be someone’s girlfriend for the rest of my life. I will either be single, or married. Not “his girlfriend of 7 years” Um no..thats not for me.
i think my view on what would be defined as an “amazing relationship” is different than most peoples.. I want someone to stand beside me. Someone who understands that I hold a position of power in my career and Im not stopping here. I didn’t start in the spot im in, I fought hard to get there and I will not stop fighting until I get to the top. Yes I know that this is not 1952 but most men CAN.NOT handle that. Any man in my life must be strong. and no i don’t mean how much he can bench press (although, those of you know me, know i am a sucker for a nice set of arms) I mean strong as in confident in who they are as a man, someone who doesn’t need to be constantly babied, someone who is a strong enough individual to allow me to stand in the spot light from time to time. Someone who is a strong enough man to be with a strong woman. A strong man takes care of his business. He has his bills paid, his car taken care of, and he doesn’t wait until the day of an event to run around looking for a shirt to wear. He is prepared and takes care of business, which is very important to me. On another note: Girls, you know you’ve watched “It Takes Two” and at least one point on your life you have quoted Kristie Alley in saying “It’s got to be that cant eat, cant sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of love” and maybe we are silly but ya know what? I say, f*ck that, I will believe that love like that is possible and I will expect to be loved like that by any man who even thinks about making me his wife. I will admit that not too long ago I told myself that I was silly for wanting that, for wanting to be a princess for a day and having the fairy tale kind of love. I hate that I let someone make me feel like I shouldn’t want that. But, I’m glad I snapped out it, I dont care how silly anyone thinks it makes me sound. I want a man to love me so much that he wants to scream it from the rooftops! A man to be so proud that I’m on this arm that he wants to tell everyone he knows about how amazing I am and how great our relationship is. I want to be someones weakness. I think that is the biggest one for me. I don’t NEED a man, but I want one and I want him to crave me, to want me so much that I am the one thing that is their weakness.
So in conclusion I sit here, pretty happy that I snapped out of it and realized that there is nothing wrong with wanting what that kind of love. One thing that my 20 year old self would say is, “Never Settle for Anything Less Than Butterflies” and that is something I definitely lost track of for a while… Call me crazy, but I believe its out there…